5 Books I Read While Grieving


We all grieve in different ways. I knew this cognitively, but the reality of it hit home when my brother died this past May. I'd like to make it clear that I have had immense support from family and friends, particularly from my husband and T, and I cannot thank all of them enough. Even with the love and kindness I received, I still found my thoughts and emotions a mess at times – I had some trouble even identifying what I was feeling. In part to make sense of what I was feeling, and in part to answer questions I had, I sought out reading material. Below are 5 books that I read in conjunction with my own grief process.

Secrets of the Chocolate House by Paula Brackston
This first book is not a grief book, but because it wound up playing such in instrumental role in my response to the news of my brother's death, I include it here.

Why I read it: I had thoroughly enjoyed the first book in this series, and I had requested a review copy of this title. It had a timely arrival. I wanted something to read on the airplane as I traveled across the country to help plan B's funeral, so I grabbed this book; I had been wanting to read it and I owed St. Martin's Press a review. (Review here.)

How it helped: I had thought I was just going to pass time on the airplane, but I was actually able to put my brother's death from my mind for periods time as I read. Brackston's world creation and writing were so captivating that I was entirely immersed for the duration of my trip and was able to stave off that nauseated feeling that would arise any time I thought about the purpose of my trip. I am not sure how I would have handled a whole day of being trapped in a metal cylinder a mile in the air thinking about nothing but the fact that my brother had just died a continent away. Because the book was all-consuming, I was able to lose myself in it. I credit Secrets of the Chocolate House with getting me through that day.

My suggestion: Reading an exciting, mysterious, romantic, magical, suspenseful novel helped me escape reality for a while. I am glad I can lose myself in a good book, and I would recommend doing so if someone asked for advice.

The Challenge of Living by Dr. John D. Canine

Why I read it: I had mentioned to my mom that I was looking for grief books. Someone gave this to my mom, who passed it along to me.

How it helped: It's a very short book and covers the basics of confronting the topic of death. The intended audience falls into three main groups: those who are terminally ill, loved ones of the terminally ill, and the bereaved. Falling into only one of those categories myself, it was interesting to have a glimpse into the mindset and challenges of those affected by terminal illnesses. The section for the bereaved was concise, and reiterated things I had heard previously from a variety of sources.  Family members were already supporting me in the ways suggested, and I was already cognizant of what to expect from myself during grief. More than informing, this book reassured me that things were going more or less as they "should," and bolstered my confidence in how I was handling things.

My suggestion: Because this book has a very specific intended audience, I would choose it with care.

A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis

Why I read it: My husband got this for me in the hopes that it might help me put my thoughts in order (which I had told him was what I needed).

How it helped: This was incredibly helpful. Those thoughts and feelings that I was having trouble putting into comprehensible words – C. S. Lewis articulated them exactly. Some of the questions I was having – he outlined them. It was immeasurably comforting to see my feelings reflected in another person. Of course I knew intellectually I was not alone in my grief, but having part of my experience spelled out by another? I felt validated. And a bit more in control. C. S. Lewis gave me the words I needed. At one point, I pointed out a passage to my husband, and said, "Read this. This is exactly how I feel." The words that I couldn't find on my own – C. S. Lewis had already found them.

My suggestion: Read it. Whatever your situation is right now, C. S. Lewis details his own grief and provides such an intimate portrait of himself that it is easy to connect with him and feel a greater understanding of fellow man.

Stoner: A Novel by John Williams

Why I read it: My husband recommended it. Not because it had anything to do with death or grief, but simply because it was a fantastic book he had read.

How it helped: It's a novel about an academic who has a rather uneventful and sometimes depressing life. It is the ending, however, that allowed me to close my initial period of grief. In peace, knowing that he had put his true self into a book he wrote, William Stoner dies. It a picture of a life authentically lived. It mattered not what others thought, but rather that he was honest with himself and true to his values. I cried uncontrollably at the close. It wasn't so much for William Stoner as it was for my brother; I reached a catharsis in reading Stoner. The end of Stoner's life was uplifting in the sense that he did not regret who he was or where he was in life. It was a satisfying end for him, and reading his contentment allowed me to consider the end of my brother's life more tranquilly: his death is a fact but not a tragedy.

My suggestion: Read it just because it is a fantastic novel.

90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death and Life by Don Piper and Cecil Murphey

Why I read it: I mentioned to my mother-in-law that a question was plaguing me: "What is my brother's current situation?" I wanted literature that would explain the Catholic understanding and conception of heaven and if/how we can communicate with the deceased through prayer. While this book is not really that at all, it does present a picture of heaven. Don Piper was killed in a car wreck, but 90 minutes thereafter, he began to sing and breathe. In the interim, he recalls being outside the gates of Heaven.

How it helped: Piper does not doubt his trip to heaven. I do not doubt the existence of some sort of heaven, though I do not know what exactly that means. Piper explains that he was greeted by a loving crowd outside of the gates. All physical deformities were wiped away, yet each person was recognizable as him/herself. His grandmother was still his grandmother, for example, but she no longer stooped. Physical disabilities were gone. I will take Piper's description and be happy with it. Criticize me if you like, but I am relieved to hear that this experience of heaven had no disabilities.

My suggestion: If you are interested in in NDE (near-death experiences), read it. If you are skeptical, you may want to skip it. It's an interesting story regardless.


My takeaway:
By no means is my grief erased, but I have moved past the initial period. Escaping into Brackston's world got me through that first day. Lewis's relation of his own experience allowed me to put my feelings into words and take control of my thoughts and emotions. Williams' novel about a life lived authentically was my means of catharsis. While I recognize that no two people grieve the same way (even just between my two parents and myself, there are three different approaches), I hope that you have found something interesting or useful here. And I urge you to read Stoner regardless. It was the best book I read in 2019 by far.

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